Tears

I remember the day very well. I don't think I ever will forget it.

I must have stared at the screen for the longest time. It looped the powerpoint slideshow tribute of my father. With each passing loop I wondered, is this real? Is my father really gone? Even looking at the coffin, it didn't seem real.

My father in fact did not look the same. Death does a number to you and sucks everything from your skin. Even though they embalmed him, I noticed every little detail that seemed different. His fingers looked more like toothpicks. Lots of wrinkles all over the place. Makeup on his face to attempt to make him look fresh. I mean it was him. But then again it wasn't him.

A cross made of white flowers sat next to the coffin. An American Flag draped across. A bamboo-like plant one of my Aunts brought. Another set of yellow flowers his coworkers from the Hospital contributed. A trumpet that wasn't his, but the funeral directors. We did not know where his was, but wanted to honor his dedication to the 20 years he spent in the Navy band.

A cross hung above the coffin. One that was brought out when the deceased was Catholic. This was not a chapel, only the memorial place. A big gap between the coffin and the pews.

My Godparents on the left side, with especially my Godfather in tears. 43 years he knew my father and for 43 years my father always sent him a postcard or invited him to go on a cross country trip. 43 years of loyalty. He said he cried more than when his sister passed away. Tears.

My Dad's sisters and cousins on the right side, staring at the screen like me. Disbelief seems to be the theme, tears the best friend that comforts.

Standing outside before the actual service. Talking with everyone that came in. Comforting hugs can only do so much.

Still sitting during service, thoughts numbed, disbelief apparent. How can I stay strong for my mother? That's what rang in my head, like the rhythym of a song. My mom's grip on my hand tightens. All I could do is hang on and give her tissues.

I go up in front of everyone to deliver the Eulogy. It's so hard to keep composure even with the piece of paper right in front of me marking when to pause, when to emphasize. Looking across, it gives me a sense of pride that my father made a difference in everyone's lives. I am so proud of my father. Almost broke down in the middle but kept composure and delivered what will probably be the most memorable speech I will ever do.

Up until then, no tears came to me. But as soon as "Somewhere over the rainbow" plays, that's when I can't hold it in any longer. One of my dad's favorite songs, I remember waking up on the weekends and hearing it play in the living room. Along with Sinatra songs, Christmas classics, the song brought up too many memories. "Amazing Grace" holds much more meaning for me as well.

Symbolic closing of the coffin. It's the last time I will see my father's face. 21 guns shoot out into the distance. Tapps plays outside on the bugle. The flag is folded and presented to my mother and I. I don't even know how to salute at the end of that presentation as emotions are too strong for me. But a fitting military tribute to my father.

A line of people form to greet my mother and I. Handshake, hugs, kisses from family. There are so many people, so much support.

One final walk and moment with my father before it's time to go. I know you will always be with my mother and I. You make me proud to be your son and I will always love you.