Monotony of Life / Absolute Chaos of Change

As we grow older it seems like a lot of things start becoming routine. Your day is usually dictated by work. Your bills come in at the same time each month. Your paycheck more or less comes on a cycle. You hang out with a lot of the same people. You relive your "glory days" more occasions than you probably should. Lunch usually becomes routine if you go to the cafeteria all the time or if you make yourself the same old sandwiches.

I think it's just a fact of life that at some point, your life will be defined by patterns. I've been debating whether a pattern is necessarily a good thing or not. I've always been the type of person that doesn't like change. I like having a routine, knowing what's happening, what's on the table and what my cards are. However, I think I've fundamentally changed as a person. I think I'm becoming more able to adapt and adjust to changes in life. It's not just big things that pop up, it's the little things too. With Nielsen, I have to adjust to change on a daily, even hourly basis sometimes. There are always people to contact and get meetings with and then they end up cancelling and rescheduling. There are changes to a project whether your scope changes or the resources you have change.

In this day in age, it's all about change. We have to change the way we think about power and gasoline consumption so that we can adjust to fluctuating gas prices. We have to think about the way we spend our money and plan more for the future instead of blindly spending for the present. We have to change the way we approach technology, and stop specializing in technology that is short-term, but think of ways that we can use things differently for the future. It's an exciting time and full of endless possibilities.

I feel that our generation is the one that will be leading a lot of these changes. Our world faces many threats that are deemed unsolvable right now. It is up to us to not only face those challenges but anticipate and prepare for things we can't even imagine right now. Only then will we be able to be successful and to help out others around us.

It's about breaking that monotony of life and embracing change.

Reading

I'm almost embarrassed to say that it's been a really long time since i've been able to pick up a book and just read for pleasure. I think that the way my life has been for the past four years, college doesn't lend itself well to picking up something other than homework to read for leisure.

I think I was always brought up to look for other entertainment opportunities to keep my mind occupied. It was always videogames and just playing those nonstops. Yes, there are a lot of benefits to playing videogames to keep your mind stimulated. However, there is a fine line between what you think it can do and what it really does for you.

I think that with reading, you are able to visualize things more and really have your mind work and ponder about things. With a videogame, almost everything is visualized for you and you constantly have to process the number of things that appear on a screen to complete a goal or an objective. With reading, things are laid out, but it's up to your mind's imagination as to what really appears in front of you.

I had the pleasure of having a couple of hours on the train to read a book and it's one that intrigues me. I actually read 130+ very easily and really want to finish the book even though I have work early in the morning. I really want to read more books and see what else is out there.

All I know is, this might be the start of the decline of my videogame years. Yes, it's very hard to believe and maybe it's truly not possible, but given my job description and the enjoyment of just reading a good story, I think it might be happening.

*shudders*

Happy Birthday Dad

I woke up this morning and I looked at my phone and noticed it was July 27. Today is my dad's birthday.

I remember times when I would wake up, race to my dad's room, give him a big hug and wish him a happy bday. For every year since I remember, my mom and I would go to the store and buy him a birthday cake that simply read "Happy Birthday Dad". It would be our tradition to sit down and just eat a meal that was cake.

Today, there isn't a cake. I'm not even in the same state as my mom. As I reflect and look at the picture of my family at my high school graduation, I realize just how much has changed in such a short time. It seems that I say this a lot and maybe sometimes I complain about having to grow up so quickly. But you know, maybe that's what I needed to do. Maybe that's all my Dad really wanted to see me become... A growing man who can provide for his family and achieve great success at whatever he does. Look at me now. I'm at one of the top paying companies for a graduate from ND. I'm able to provide for my mom and help her out. I have a great girlfriend who cares so much for me.

Sure I'm struggling to keep up with things. There's always financial things. I'm not living comfortably and won't be for awhile. I have to do the same thing of getting up early and working 8-9 hours.

But you know what, I know that he's proud of me and what I have been able to accomplish. I think that's all that matters.

How Notre Dame is going to remain with me for the rest of my life.

Once you graduate and get your degree from the University of Notre Dame, you may think that duLac and the whole bubble of Notre Dame disappears. What I have found out however, is the exact opposite, and characteristics of the typical Notre Dame student remain after you leave the Golden Dome.

I have found that if you put a group of ND kids together with other people, they tend to gravitate towards each other and bond a lot faster than others. Yes you can say that about any group from an associated college, but the connection alums share with each other is just uncanny. We constantly are able to whip out references to ND even without realizing it. It has baffled others and I constantly wonder if I and the other ND grads get automatically judged for this. It's very strange and I'm not sure if I captured that in words completely.

I have also found that the majority of us tend to be a lot less crazier and would rather not be out at the bars a lot. Don't get me wrong, I like going and socializing for a bit but there's no way I can stay out till 3-4 am. For me, I just can't get myself to spend that much at a bar and feel like crap the next day. Don't take that as a judgment against those who do enjoy drinking like that because it's not. I'm just saying I can never do that.

I have also found that sometimes we can literally be socially awkward in situations. I have a feeling I'll run into it more as the years pass but there have been a few situations where I just felt I was being awkward. Maybe I myself am just awkward but there's that kind of aura of awkwardness and it seems to be amplified the more ND students you gather together in an environment.

Anyway I thought I'd write about that for a bit. There are more things but I just can't think of them right now.

It's Simple Yet Complex at the Same Time

As I reflect back upon the weeks here in Tampa, I have come to realize that I am really lucky that I even have a job right now. There are a lot of people searching for jobs out there and are having no luck. There are people who have college degrees that don't have a job. There are some of my friends who can't even find a job coming from Notre Dame.

I often come home from this training session, exhausted, not wanting to do anything and wondering whether I'm cut out to keep going. But at the end of the day, I still have a job. I'm still getting paid. Yes I work really hard, but it's necessary.

Sometimes I just need to remember that.

Tampa

It's been a long time since I've written here and there's so much I want to say. I'm currently in Tampa right now for Nielsen's Accelerated On-Boarding program for the Emerging Leaders Program. It's a pretty intense program and they throw hundreds of slides at us everyday and we are very time constrained to complete a big case study they gave us. Overall, it's been a great experience though. I've learned a lot about the company and about my style of leadership and team participation which are both key to the success of my team for the case study.

It has been hard though time constraint wise. I'm torn on how I need to allocate my time since all of the group goes out and has dinner or goes to the bar. There is like an invisible driver there that forces me to go, otherwise I would be viewed as that guy who not part of the group. It's hard with this group because this is who I'm going to be seeing the next two years.

I really should be dedicating more time to Krista though. I'll have to continually work on the process and see what to do. It has not been easy in the slightest.

Life in Chicago

- I'm broke and without a paycheck for another week.
- My apartment is partially trashed because of Twix
- Still not on good terms with mom.
- Don't feel like I fit in at work.
- I know only the interns from last summer plus one more person. Fail.
- I sit in a cubicle all day long and there is no interaction with others.
- I always can't wait for the day to be over.
- Can't even bring myself to cook sometimes.
- I need a car, otherwise I'm stuck with crappy internet, no cable and a wall of nothingness.

Real world isn't so glamorous. Right now it actually kind of sucks.

Silent Directed Retreat - Day 1 (3/20) - 8:33 PM

- I'm sitting in my room wondering what direction I should even take. Am I going to do Bible scriptures? Am I just going to reflect on what has been going on in life? Or maybe I'll simply be silent and listen to what's outside or in the silence. At this point I feel my mind is racing at a thousand different directions and I'm not sure what to even consider. I think to start off tonight I'm not going to do a prayer per se but just listen to the sounds and make observations about the world around me and what it's like for silence.

Observations

- The buzzing of the lights
- The sounds of the power plant
- Gentle breezes coming through my window
- My reflection when I look at the window
- The heat coming from the bottom of the window wall
- The heat of the lamp above me
- The window rattling
- My sweaty feet
- The stains on the ceiling
- The waves of the lake
- How beautiful the Dome looks
- I'm right in the line of the big cross
- The power plant is more lit than anything else
- Cars passing by
- The ring of the clock at 8:45 PM
- My journal fluttering from the breeze
- I have that Taylor Swift song stuck in my head
- Silence is hard, I find myself trying to look at my cell phone.

Emotions

- Tired
- Exhausted
- Anxious
- Somewhat nervous
- Curiosity
- Really Tired - 8:57 PM

Questions

- What does God want me to accomplish on this retreat?
- What do I want to accomplish on this retreat?
- How do you know when God speaks with you?
- How do we not have enough time to just sit and ponder things?
- What is my relationship with God?
- What are my doubts/fears/questions?
- Do I blame him for anything?
- Do I expect more out of Him?
- Do I truly believe some of the things taught to me?
- Church's teachings?
- Father's teachings?
- Friend's teachings?
- ND's teachings?
- Who is ultimately right? Can anyone really be right?
- What do I want to see myself as?
- Strengths?
- Weaknesses?
- Goals for the future?
- What places will I pray at? Would it make a big difference?

God help me

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. (Luke 23:34)

This weekend I went on a Silent Directed Retreat. For the most part it was a pretty good experience. I got much needed rest. I got to get away from my work for at least a little bit. I had better food than the dining hall. But I think that I went in with too many expectations and they weren't met during the retreat. I thought that I would have a direct conversation with God and in fact it didn't happen. Most of the time my mind was actually empty. Devoid of any thought. Utterly blank. It was strange but at the same time very satisfying. I was able to look across St. Joesph's lake and just appreciate the waves on the water.. the occasional duck that floated across the whole lake... even the buoy that floats right in the middle of it all.

If I gained anything from the retreat it is the following things:

- It's going to hurt for awhile. There is no time measure for it and there's not really a cure for it either.
- As the scripture passage I started this blog with says, I need to be more forgiving towards those who do not necessarily help me out. Perhaps people don't know how to console or know the right words. Many don't even want to approach the subject and many times I do want to talk about things. I've got to be able to take these things into consideration and forgive others.
- It's bad to say but there are others in worse situations.
- I need to take care of myself. It has always been about others first before. Now is the time that its absolutely necessary I keep myself afloat first.
- I've changed into a full fledged adult. It's no longer just an arbitrary number that usually defines you as an adult. I have responsibilities that many others don't have and they aren't going to go away. I can't turn back.

Overall I think the experience was fairly good. I was relaxed but almost all of that disappeared once I got back into the swing of things. I haven't had a vacation since December really and it's not likely I will have one per se for quite awhile.

4 years of ND. 2 months to go.

Spring break senior year usually marks a crossroads for many seniors. It marks a time when we finally realize that college will truly be over in a few short months. Save those who go on to medical school or masters programs, we will be out in the real world trying to earn enough money to get by every day. This is a hard thing to grasp for those who have loans to pay back and for expectations to fulfill. It's even harder for those hunting for jobs in this market and not finding much success. The future is so ambiguous at times and doesn't really tell you what it will throw at you.

Upon looking back at my 4 years at ND I have found that most of the time things haven't made sense. Everything remained jumbled and a complete mystery at times. There were things here that I was never exposed to back home and it made me question my own morality and what truly were my values. I think that the four years of ND have changed me as a person for the better even though I might think that the situation I am in compared to when I first started college is a lot worse.

Four years is a lot of time to change a person. Four years is a lot of time to grow. Four years is a lot of time to develop new friendships. Four years is a lot of time to lose some of your old friendships. But most of all four years of college define your last stand before you truly go into the real world with nothing held back. Four years, you live in a bubble and are protected from the harsh realities of the real world. Yes, sometimes you can get poked but that bubble usually withstands and protects us for those four years. Once that bubble is burst though, you realize that you better have learned how to fly and survive.

I talked with Arnold tonight and we just chatted about how things have changed for me in the past 4 years being here. I think that I have grown a lot personality wise because I still perceive myself as an awkward but nice guy that always wanted to make sure everyone was happy. I still am that nice guy but I'd like to think I'm not that awkward anymore. I have learned to be more assertive and try to really go after what I really want in life. Sure I'm still not the best in this category and there are times that I will still be reserved but I now know how to handle situations like that better now. I've learned more about my limits and what I can and can't do. However, sometimes even though you have a limit, you still have to push yourself to achieve higher than that. It's the only way you will improve and the only way to surprise yourself and others around you.

I've seen how I have changed just because of the things that go on every year.

Freshman year I started out not knowing what I was doing and being a thousand miles away from home. I spent most of my time playing videogames until late at night and calling people back home almost non-stop to at least gain a little bit of sanity in an unfamiliar environment. I worked on the ultra conservative Irish Rover which didn't really suit my style per se but it was still a good experience and the link between my Journalism background from high school to college papers. Later on in that year I gained more friends through the Asian community through the Asian American Association (AAA). That's when I started feeling like I was more at home.

Sophomore year I gained valuable leadership skills as I signed up to be a Public Relations Commissioner for AAA. I was able to see how a club works and what goes into decision making and planning events. I also saw my design skills flourish a lot. I got to make a ton of posters and I had an obvious skill for it since many people liked my designs. I got bold and I pursued internships with a frenzy. I must have interviewed with at least 8 companies that year just to try to find an internship. I didn't end up getting a single one. However, I grew as a person and as a friend as I started gaining more friends here at school and regular ones that I could just hang out with. Probably most importantly though was the fact that I met my current girlfriend KristaRose at the AAA Freshman Retreat and we hit it off pretty quickly after that. Granted I didn't make a move for the longest time, we still progressed into a very loving relationship.

Junior year was the harder year. This was a time of taking on a lot of things and feeling overwhelmed a lot. Taking over 19 credit loads, working with several clubs and working a regular job was a lot to take on. Krista and I led a lot of successful new events within AAA that brought together more of the campus community to get in touch with the Asian community. To this day, the events from this year are by far my favorite and it was a joy seeing the end result and seeing the ND community interacting and learning about the Asian community. Junior year was also a time to really bond with my friends. But in all honesty it was overshadowed by the sheer number of things on my plate. AAA, FASO, CCC, my COMO job, 19 credits, yeah it was like I was taking at least 30 credits.

And senior year, the year that was supposed to be the most fun and most relaxing. It's turned out to be the pivotal point of my college career. I haven't grown up as much as I have this year. As most of you guys know my dad passed away in December and it has forced me to really take care of my mom and figure out the finances since my dad did all of that. I've had to deal with relapses of sadness and depression and to this day I cannot say that I am even close to being ok with things. It's hard being an only child and losing the person that you considered a hero. My dad was a very influential person and he touched the lives of so many people. I've had to quickly learn that I need to stay on top of things and manage things more correctly.

I would write more on this blog because I am in a contemplative mood but my tiredness is overruling everything. Hopefully I can write more at a later time.