Tears

I remember the day very well. I don't think I ever will forget it.

I must have stared at the screen for the longest time. It looped the powerpoint slideshow tribute of my father. With each passing loop I wondered, is this real? Is my father really gone? Even looking at the coffin, it didn't seem real.

My father in fact did not look the same. Death does a number to you and sucks everything from your skin. Even though they embalmed him, I noticed every little detail that seemed different. His fingers looked more like toothpicks. Lots of wrinkles all over the place. Makeup on his face to attempt to make him look fresh. I mean it was him. But then again it wasn't him.

A cross made of white flowers sat next to the coffin. An American Flag draped across. A bamboo-like plant one of my Aunts brought. Another set of yellow flowers his coworkers from the Hospital contributed. A trumpet that wasn't his, but the funeral directors. We did not know where his was, but wanted to honor his dedication to the 20 years he spent in the Navy band.

A cross hung above the coffin. One that was brought out when the deceased was Catholic. This was not a chapel, only the memorial place. A big gap between the coffin and the pews.

My Godparents on the left side, with especially my Godfather in tears. 43 years he knew my father and for 43 years my father always sent him a postcard or invited him to go on a cross country trip. 43 years of loyalty. He said he cried more than when his sister passed away. Tears.

My Dad's sisters and cousins on the right side, staring at the screen like me. Disbelief seems to be the theme, tears the best friend that comforts.

Standing outside before the actual service. Talking with everyone that came in. Comforting hugs can only do so much.

Still sitting during service, thoughts numbed, disbelief apparent. How can I stay strong for my mother? That's what rang in my head, like the rhythym of a song. My mom's grip on my hand tightens. All I could do is hang on and give her tissues.

I go up in front of everyone to deliver the Eulogy. It's so hard to keep composure even with the piece of paper right in front of me marking when to pause, when to emphasize. Looking across, it gives me a sense of pride that my father made a difference in everyone's lives. I am so proud of my father. Almost broke down in the middle but kept composure and delivered what will probably be the most memorable speech I will ever do.

Up until then, no tears came to me. But as soon as "Somewhere over the rainbow" plays, that's when I can't hold it in any longer. One of my dad's favorite songs, I remember waking up on the weekends and hearing it play in the living room. Along with Sinatra songs, Christmas classics, the song brought up too many memories. "Amazing Grace" holds much more meaning for me as well.

Symbolic closing of the coffin. It's the last time I will see my father's face. 21 guns shoot out into the distance. Tapps plays outside on the bugle. The flag is folded and presented to my mother and I. I don't even know how to salute at the end of that presentation as emotions are too strong for me. But a fitting military tribute to my father.

A line of people form to greet my mother and I. Handshake, hugs, kisses from family. There are so many people, so much support.

One final walk and moment with my father before it's time to go. I know you will always be with my mother and I. You make me proud to be your son and I will always love you.

Epilogue of John Lerma

During my father's funeral service, my mother and I thought it would be appropriate for me to make an epilogue for my father. I had a tough time delivering the epilogue even if you couldn't detect it in my voice during the service. There was a point where I felt I was going to cry but I managed to get through it. The following is the epilogue I gave.

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When I think of the single most important person in my life, the person that I look up to most, without a doubt, it is my dad. To me, he is the definition of love & dedication as well as caring & kindness. These are the traits that my father embodied and these are the traits that I admire and look up to the most.

First, his love & dedication to me and my mom. From the time that my father married my mother, he always treated my mother with the utmost respect and he helped out as much as he possibly could. He would always make sure my mom was taken care of and that everything around the house that could be done, was done.

For me, my dad’s loyalty extended in every aspect of my life. Whether it was through each and every time that he called me “#1 son”, going to each and every math competition I participated in throughout both middle school and high school, or just sending random letters of encouragement throughout my college years with messages such as “You can do it!” or “Keep up the good work!”, my dad supported me through each and every single thing that I did in my life. He was dedicated towards seeing me succeed in life and always wanted the best for me, even if I couldn’t see it right away. For that, I will be forever thankful.

And now, his caring & kindness. Throughout his life, my dad always took the time to care of others. He gave all he could to my mother and I, including time, money, and unwavering support. I remember that every single time I would bring home A’s on my report card, he would bring me to the Dairy Queen for a chocolate dipped ice cream cone, I always enjoyed those trips with him.

He also woke up every morning and put bird seeds on our driveway so that the birds in our area would have something to eat. He avidly prayed for others to help them heal. He took care of family members in times of need. He mentored several people and gave advice to others so that they could develop their full potential and discover their talents in life. He touched the lives of many others on a daily basis simply by having friendly conversations and giving them a smile.

The death of my father has undoubtedly left a shock for all of us here. However, I do not want to focus on the death, rather I want everyone to remember my father for the caring & kindness and the love & dedication he displayed to his family and friends. Let us celebrate his life, and all that he has shared with us. Remember the special bond that each and every one of you has with him. I believe his spirit of kindness, care, dedication, and love will always be with us.

12/4/08

My father passed away on December 4, 2008. My mom found him at home. He suffered a heart attack. It was a very sudden event for my mother and I as well as everyone that knew my father. He had been recovering well from gallbladder surgery from a couple of years ago. He was diagnosed with a weak heart at the same time but he had been recovering. On the day of his death, my Dad was still doing his normal routines and many people say there did not seem to be anything different that day. Though it saddens me that my father is no longer with us, I do know that my father did everything he could to make sure that my mother and I were well taken care of.

The following is a post I had made on Facebook. My Dad had done a lot before he passed away and they can't be all coincidences. I think my dad knew that his time was near and that he needed to try to set everything up for us before he passed away. My Dad was always a giving person and I know that he is still watching us right now.

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I feel the need to write to calm my heart and to make me feel a little less sad. I think by writing I can fully express myself a little more and help the process along. I know this subject in itself is a sad one but there have been many things that my Dad did before he passed away that has led my mom and I to believe he knew it was his time. Let us look at some of these things. You may call them coincidences, but I would like to believe it was my Dad being the caring individual that he is and trying to take care of us as much as he could before God called him.

- On Wednesday, my Dad mowed the lawn, trimmed everything
- On Wednesday, my Dad did all of the laundry, which was more than 4 loads worth
- On Wednesday night, my Dad told me how proud of me he was and to take care of my mother
- On Thursday, my Dad had called his sister which is a rare thing because it's almost always my Dad's sister contacting him
- On Thursday, my Dad went to the grocery store and completely restocked all of our groceries
- On Sunday, when my mom and I were trying to find certain documents, we went through each and every briefcase that my Dad had. Each were closed but the combination was already set and each was easy to open.
- Over the past couple of months, my Dad tried to get both my mom and I to drive his car and get used to the feel of it. He has never done this for any other car he has had.
- All the bills had been paid for this month. The deadline for most of the bills is later in this month.

I would be lying if I didn't truly believe these things were done by my dad because he felt that his time was coming. There are too many coincidences for this not to be true, you can think otherwise though.

That Thursday night, I couldn't sleep very well. I was very restless. I have a feeling the reason was my father's death. But I didn't hear about it until Friday morning when my Rector told me to call my mother. It was because of bad cell phone reception. I also had the strangest feeling that I needed to talk with my Dad but I never got the chance because I was very busy that day.

Can we truly feel when something isn't right even if it's a couple of thousands of miles away? I think you can. I believe.

RIP Dad. 12/4/08