Monotony of Life / Absolute Chaos of Change

As we grow older it seems like a lot of things start becoming routine. Your day is usually dictated by work. Your bills come in at the same time each month. Your paycheck more or less comes on a cycle. You hang out with a lot of the same people. You relive your "glory days" more occasions than you probably should. Lunch usually becomes routine if you go to the cafeteria all the time or if you make yourself the same old sandwiches.

I think it's just a fact of life that at some point, your life will be defined by patterns. I've been debating whether a pattern is necessarily a good thing or not. I've always been the type of person that doesn't like change. I like having a routine, knowing what's happening, what's on the table and what my cards are. However, I think I've fundamentally changed as a person. I think I'm becoming more able to adapt and adjust to changes in life. It's not just big things that pop up, it's the little things too. With Nielsen, I have to adjust to change on a daily, even hourly basis sometimes. There are always people to contact and get meetings with and then they end up cancelling and rescheduling. There are changes to a project whether your scope changes or the resources you have change.

In this day in age, it's all about change. We have to change the way we think about power and gasoline consumption so that we can adjust to fluctuating gas prices. We have to think about the way we spend our money and plan more for the future instead of blindly spending for the present. We have to change the way we approach technology, and stop specializing in technology that is short-term, but think of ways that we can use things differently for the future. It's an exciting time and full of endless possibilities.

I feel that our generation is the one that will be leading a lot of these changes. Our world faces many threats that are deemed unsolvable right now. It is up to us to not only face those challenges but anticipate and prepare for things we can't even imagine right now. Only then will we be able to be successful and to help out others around us.

It's about breaking that monotony of life and embracing change.

Reading

I'm almost embarrassed to say that it's been a really long time since i've been able to pick up a book and just read for pleasure. I think that the way my life has been for the past four years, college doesn't lend itself well to picking up something other than homework to read for leisure.

I think I was always brought up to look for other entertainment opportunities to keep my mind occupied. It was always videogames and just playing those nonstops. Yes, there are a lot of benefits to playing videogames to keep your mind stimulated. However, there is a fine line between what you think it can do and what it really does for you.

I think that with reading, you are able to visualize things more and really have your mind work and ponder about things. With a videogame, almost everything is visualized for you and you constantly have to process the number of things that appear on a screen to complete a goal or an objective. With reading, things are laid out, but it's up to your mind's imagination as to what really appears in front of you.

I had the pleasure of having a couple of hours on the train to read a book and it's one that intrigues me. I actually read 130+ very easily and really want to finish the book even though I have work early in the morning. I really want to read more books and see what else is out there.

All I know is, this might be the start of the decline of my videogame years. Yes, it's very hard to believe and maybe it's truly not possible, but given my job description and the enjoyment of just reading a good story, I think it might be happening.

*shudders*

Happy Birthday Dad

I woke up this morning and I looked at my phone and noticed it was July 27. Today is my dad's birthday.

I remember times when I would wake up, race to my dad's room, give him a big hug and wish him a happy bday. For every year since I remember, my mom and I would go to the store and buy him a birthday cake that simply read "Happy Birthday Dad". It would be our tradition to sit down and just eat a meal that was cake.

Today, there isn't a cake. I'm not even in the same state as my mom. As I reflect and look at the picture of my family at my high school graduation, I realize just how much has changed in such a short time. It seems that I say this a lot and maybe sometimes I complain about having to grow up so quickly. But you know, maybe that's what I needed to do. Maybe that's all my Dad really wanted to see me become... A growing man who can provide for his family and achieve great success at whatever he does. Look at me now. I'm at one of the top paying companies for a graduate from ND. I'm able to provide for my mom and help her out. I have a great girlfriend who cares so much for me.

Sure I'm struggling to keep up with things. There's always financial things. I'm not living comfortably and won't be for awhile. I have to do the same thing of getting up early and working 8-9 hours.

But you know what, I know that he's proud of me and what I have been able to accomplish. I think that's all that matters.

It's Simple Yet Complex at the Same Time

As I reflect back upon the weeks here in Tampa, I have come to realize that I am really lucky that I even have a job right now. There are a lot of people searching for jobs out there and are having no luck. There are people who have college degrees that don't have a job. There are some of my friends who can't even find a job coming from Notre Dame.

I often come home from this training session, exhausted, not wanting to do anything and wondering whether I'm cut out to keep going. But at the end of the day, I still have a job. I'm still getting paid. Yes I work really hard, but it's necessary.

Sometimes I just need to remember that.

Tampa

It's been a long time since I've written here and there's so much I want to say. I'm currently in Tampa right now for Nielsen's Accelerated On-Boarding program for the Emerging Leaders Program. It's a pretty intense program and they throw hundreds of slides at us everyday and we are very time constrained to complete a big case study they gave us. Overall, it's been a great experience though. I've learned a lot about the company and about my style of leadership and team participation which are both key to the success of my team for the case study.

It has been hard though time constraint wise. I'm torn on how I need to allocate my time since all of the group goes out and has dinner or goes to the bar. There is like an invisible driver there that forces me to go, otherwise I would be viewed as that guy who not part of the group. It's hard with this group because this is who I'm going to be seeing the next two years.

I really should be dedicating more time to Krista though. I'll have to continually work on the process and see what to do. It has not been easy in the slightest.

Life in Chicago

- I'm broke and without a paycheck for another week.
- My apartment is partially trashed because of Twix
- Still not on good terms with mom.
- Don't feel like I fit in at work.
- I know only the interns from last summer plus one more person. Fail.
- I sit in a cubicle all day long and there is no interaction with others.
- I always can't wait for the day to be over.
- Can't even bring myself to cook sometimes.
- I need a car, otherwise I'm stuck with crappy internet, no cable and a wall of nothingness.

Real world isn't so glamorous. Right now it actually kind of sucks.

God help me

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. (Luke 23:34)

This weekend I went on a Silent Directed Retreat. For the most part it was a pretty good experience. I got much needed rest. I got to get away from my work for at least a little bit. I had better food than the dining hall. But I think that I went in with too many expectations and they weren't met during the retreat. I thought that I would have a direct conversation with God and in fact it didn't happen. Most of the time my mind was actually empty. Devoid of any thought. Utterly blank. It was strange but at the same time very satisfying. I was able to look across St. Joesph's lake and just appreciate the waves on the water.. the occasional duck that floated across the whole lake... even the buoy that floats right in the middle of it all.

If I gained anything from the retreat it is the following things:

- It's going to hurt for awhile. There is no time measure for it and there's not really a cure for it either.
- As the scripture passage I started this blog with says, I need to be more forgiving towards those who do not necessarily help me out. Perhaps people don't know how to console or know the right words. Many don't even want to approach the subject and many times I do want to talk about things. I've got to be able to take these things into consideration and forgive others.
- It's bad to say but there are others in worse situations.
- I need to take care of myself. It has always been about others first before. Now is the time that its absolutely necessary I keep myself afloat first.
- I've changed into a full fledged adult. It's no longer just an arbitrary number that usually defines you as an adult. I have responsibilities that many others don't have and they aren't going to go away. I can't turn back.

Overall I think the experience was fairly good. I was relaxed but almost all of that disappeared once I got back into the swing of things. I haven't had a vacation since December really and it's not likely I will have one per se for quite awhile.

4 years of ND. 2 months to go.

Spring break senior year usually marks a crossroads for many seniors. It marks a time when we finally realize that college will truly be over in a few short months. Save those who go on to medical school or masters programs, we will be out in the real world trying to earn enough money to get by every day. This is a hard thing to grasp for those who have loans to pay back and for expectations to fulfill. It's even harder for those hunting for jobs in this market and not finding much success. The future is so ambiguous at times and doesn't really tell you what it will throw at you.

Upon looking back at my 4 years at ND I have found that most of the time things haven't made sense. Everything remained jumbled and a complete mystery at times. There were things here that I was never exposed to back home and it made me question my own morality and what truly were my values. I think that the four years of ND have changed me as a person for the better even though I might think that the situation I am in compared to when I first started college is a lot worse.

Four years is a lot of time to change a person. Four years is a lot of time to grow. Four years is a lot of time to develop new friendships. Four years is a lot of time to lose some of your old friendships. But most of all four years of college define your last stand before you truly go into the real world with nothing held back. Four years, you live in a bubble and are protected from the harsh realities of the real world. Yes, sometimes you can get poked but that bubble usually withstands and protects us for those four years. Once that bubble is burst though, you realize that you better have learned how to fly and survive.

I talked with Arnold tonight and we just chatted about how things have changed for me in the past 4 years being here. I think that I have grown a lot personality wise because I still perceive myself as an awkward but nice guy that always wanted to make sure everyone was happy. I still am that nice guy but I'd like to think I'm not that awkward anymore. I have learned to be more assertive and try to really go after what I really want in life. Sure I'm still not the best in this category and there are times that I will still be reserved but I now know how to handle situations like that better now. I've learned more about my limits and what I can and can't do. However, sometimes even though you have a limit, you still have to push yourself to achieve higher than that. It's the only way you will improve and the only way to surprise yourself and others around you.

I've seen how I have changed just because of the things that go on every year.

Freshman year I started out not knowing what I was doing and being a thousand miles away from home. I spent most of my time playing videogames until late at night and calling people back home almost non-stop to at least gain a little bit of sanity in an unfamiliar environment. I worked on the ultra conservative Irish Rover which didn't really suit my style per se but it was still a good experience and the link between my Journalism background from high school to college papers. Later on in that year I gained more friends through the Asian community through the Asian American Association (AAA). That's when I started feeling like I was more at home.

Sophomore year I gained valuable leadership skills as I signed up to be a Public Relations Commissioner for AAA. I was able to see how a club works and what goes into decision making and planning events. I also saw my design skills flourish a lot. I got to make a ton of posters and I had an obvious skill for it since many people liked my designs. I got bold and I pursued internships with a frenzy. I must have interviewed with at least 8 companies that year just to try to find an internship. I didn't end up getting a single one. However, I grew as a person and as a friend as I started gaining more friends here at school and regular ones that I could just hang out with. Probably most importantly though was the fact that I met my current girlfriend KristaRose at the AAA Freshman Retreat and we hit it off pretty quickly after that. Granted I didn't make a move for the longest time, we still progressed into a very loving relationship.

Junior year was the harder year. This was a time of taking on a lot of things and feeling overwhelmed a lot. Taking over 19 credit loads, working with several clubs and working a regular job was a lot to take on. Krista and I led a lot of successful new events within AAA that brought together more of the campus community to get in touch with the Asian community. To this day, the events from this year are by far my favorite and it was a joy seeing the end result and seeing the ND community interacting and learning about the Asian community. Junior year was also a time to really bond with my friends. But in all honesty it was overshadowed by the sheer number of things on my plate. AAA, FASO, CCC, my COMO job, 19 credits, yeah it was like I was taking at least 30 credits.

And senior year, the year that was supposed to be the most fun and most relaxing. It's turned out to be the pivotal point of my college career. I haven't grown up as much as I have this year. As most of you guys know my dad passed away in December and it has forced me to really take care of my mom and figure out the finances since my dad did all of that. I've had to deal with relapses of sadness and depression and to this day I cannot say that I am even close to being ok with things. It's hard being an only child and losing the person that you considered a hero. My dad was a very influential person and he touched the lives of so many people. I've had to quickly learn that I need to stay on top of things and manage things more correctly.

I would write more on this blog because I am in a contemplative mood but my tiredness is overruling everything. Hopefully I can write more at a later time.

Money Woes

I don't think I've ever felt this poor. It seems the financial burden is rearing its ugly head and decisions need to be made to alleviate it.

Tear Soup

Krista bought me this book called Tear Soup. It's probably the most helpful book I've gotten to read since my father passed away. In it, it describes how most of the time it has to be yourself that is the one grieving and making the tear soup. Sometimes though others will help you make it or at least help you prepare something along with it. Others will actually join you for a bowl of tear soup and share in your sorrows. Some friends will stay with you till the soup is ready to be put in the freezer and stored, while others will begin to forget about the soup or keep asking why you have been making the soup for months or even years.

I've learned that it's ok to be weak sometimes and you've got to allow yourself those moments to cry and reminisce about the past. I'm not going to lie I'm pretty lost in life and I feel like I've lost my purpose. I hope through my making of tear soup, I'll be able to regain what my purpose is and truly grow as a human being.

I just have to learn that sometimes friends do fall away and they won't ask you about things when you really need it. It's ok, that's how life is and this journey is mostly about how I get through it.

40 days to reflect

In the past, I've always looked at Lent as a time to really challenge myself to see how much sacrifice I can really perform. But looking back, I don't think I ever fully realized that I needed to be doing these things not for myself but as a testament to what Jesus had to go through. As Krista, explained it to me, it's not so much about the sacrifices you make but the good that you will do and continue to do after the Lenten season. With that in mind, this is really the first year that I have some lofty goals to achieve. Some are because Krista has nudged me to do, but each is something I also have a vested interest in, not just for myself but to better myself for others.

Sacrifices:
- Crane machines and all types of games related to them
- Swearing

To better myself:
- Be more open minded towards ideas and people
- Participate in at least one spiritual retreat during my last semester here (I am attending a Silent Based Retreat in the middle of March)
- Attend mass at every dorm during the 40 days of Lent

These are pretty big goals for me and I hope that I can achieve them to the best of my ability.

Children International

When it comes to donating for a charity, I'm not usually one to question the cause or even hesitate when coming to actually donating. In fact, for my own dorm, I'm participating in Stache Bash, which is an event where for each day that we don't shave, we get people to sponsor us for those days and contribute an amount per day. The money goes to the South Bend Homeless Center.

But while in Chicago to pick up Krista's parents for Junior Parents Weekend, we were approached by some people on the street who were trying to get people to sign up for Children International. For those of you who don't know, this organization has been in existence for about 78 years if I'm not mistaken. They have bases in several different locations around the world and they help out kids by directly gathering donations and distributing to their participants.

I must have spent a good 30 minutes trying deciphering the information the man was giving me. Yes, on the surface it seemed like a very good cause and something that we should all donate to. The cost of the program is $22/month.

However, the more he kept talking and trying to convince me, the more I became skeptical. I'm going to go through several points that made me uncomfortable to commit to the cause:

1. The fact that they are collecting on the street makes me uncomfortable in the first place.

In this day in age, it's scary to actually give out your information because of tales of identity theft or what not. It's absolute craziness to just give your credit card number and information to a person on the street no matter the cause. I'm not sure about you, but it really doesn't make any sense to me. I don't care if you give me your license number and badge number as proof, I'd rather have more security when giving the money.

2. The CEO only makes $300,000

Doesn't this amount seem to be a large amount? Yes, I know other CEO's can make millions and there is the fact that the CEO donates $60,000 of that money back. But if you're the CEO or creator of a charity wouldn't you want to donate as much of the money as you can to the cause. I mean I'm sure the CEO doesn't need that much money to support his own family. Again it makes me question where exactly that money goes.

3. Are these guys questioning me paid? Could it be commission based or is it really dictated by passion?

I know that going on the street and trying to get people to donate that way could be a good way to collect donations and pledges but how much exactly do they get from this process. The Children International representative had made a point saying that he didn't understand how we couldn't donate since we gave him the time of day to actually listen to his speech. I mean if me and Krista were one of the only ones that would listen, how many others would actually even stop?

Also, a big point is the fact that these guys have to be compensated somehow. I just wonder how much of the cut that I donate goes directly to these guys...

4. Do they have direct experience with third world countries in need of the donations?

I highly doubt that many of these kids trying to get money for Children International actually have experience with poverty. Yes, that's not necessarily a necessity to fight for a cause but when trying to explain how these kids need it, it seemed like they automatically assumed we were above all that and didn't know how it was like. In fact, Krista lived in the Philippines and knew directly what it was like. I've seen communities in my hometown that are so poor and I've done community work and I've taken classes on poverty, I do have an idea about it.

5. 80% go directly towards the child.

Really? Only 80%? There was also a sliver of percentage that was towards something like if you don't actually continue donating. I didn't understand that part but it was on the paper the representative was showing me. However, mysteriously, it's not on the website. Take a look at the Annual Report from 2008

http://video.children.org/pdf/AnnualReport2008.pdf

This report shows that 80% goes towards the organization, 13% goes towards securing more financial help and 7% goes towards management. However, look at the actual dollar figures on there... $9,543,813 for management and $17,198,994 for securing financial figures. I'm not sure about everyone else, but it seems that these numbers are quite high and can be reduced a bit. I understand that each base might have like 25-30 people working there but shouldn't most of these individuals be working for minimal games and instead dedicating a lot of it towards the cause of helping these children. I'm sure they can reduce that 9.5 million figure down and fun more kids.

Also, for securing financial figures, I think that this amount can definitely go down. I'm unsure of their methods of getting donations, but it would seem this is quite a high number. Even if you advertise in countries all over the world, there are many tv spots that are given out free for charitable causes. In addition, having these teams of people on the street seems sort of a waste of money since they wouldn't have much overall success. I would think that maybe refining their marketing techniques might be a better thing. A better approach could be through working with universities since college students are passionate about causes. I've been at Notre Dame for 4 years and I have not once heard of this organization. For an organization that has been around for more than 70 years, it would seem strange that I don't know anything about it. In addition, Krista lived in the Philippines for a number of years and never heard of them doing anything there.

6. "$22/month doesn't do much, but in three months it definitely pays off"

The representative told us that one time donations aren't usually very effective and that paying on a monthly basis was a better plan. However, when thinking about donations and about the children... doesn't any donation at all help? Even $1 will help out with something rather than not doing a one-time donation. I think the mentality of the program is wrong. It definitely showed when they said that at the three month point you would definitely be helping the child then. I believe at the first donation of $22, you would be helping the child greatly.

7. "If you don't feel comfortable donating out here, we can go in a coffee shop and get a coffee and talk there"

The fact of the matter stands, I don't feel comfortable giving my number to a complete stranger. Besides the money you spend on a coffee can go to funding a child for like 1/4 of a month's donation so why would you even consider doing that?

8. "We have a corporate office here in downtown Chicago"

Seriously? Rent is so expensive for corporate offices in downtown. Why would you have it there? At least put it in the suburbs where it's cheaper. You can donate the rest of the money that you would save. The only reason to do this is only if the city gives you a discount on having that office there. Otherwise this seems like a really bad thing and makes me wonder what they do in other cities.

9. Assumptions made: "Don't you go out to bars all the time, you can save all that money you blow on weekends?"

Why even make assumptions like that? I'm pretty sure if I had told him that I had a father that had just recently passed away and my family was going through financial burdens he would've shut up pretty quickly. I know what it's like to be financially crunched and to be honest, yes I can't spare $22/month because my mom and I are struggling right now. And just so you know, I'm not a typical college kid and I do not go to bars every weekend.

10. $37,771,103 in Current Assets

This kind of goes hand in hand with cutting costs because they seem to high. But the current assets they have also seems kind of high unless they are going to have some kind of big project at the end that costs a lot of money. What really is the purpose of this big sum of money just sitting there. Maybe if they're investing it and gaining interest to donate later on, I can understand. But if it's just sitting there, why not use it for the children right now. It would seem current operating costs are around $26 mil so why can't you just donate $5-$10 mil, you will still have money for expansion and to cover costs.

11. Calling for backup

He recognized that I wasn't going to budge really on my position so he tried to get another lady to come and explain further and try to convince me. I don't get moved by more pressure, only by facts.

I'm not at all saying that this a bad cause and you shouldn't donate to it. But the way I was approached on the street wasn't very positive and made me not want to donate anything at all. For those reasons, I did not end up donating to them. I hope that everyone does a little research before they commit to a charity. Don't just impulsively donate because you never know where your money goes. If you deem a charity good and that your money is going to a good place then by all means donate and help out. But just be careful and research first before committing.

What if I went the other direction...

You know it's always been a lingering question for me.. What if I had embraced the other half of me more than my Asian half? That's right, what if I had fully embraced my Mexican side? I can't even imagine how many things would be different if I did that. First off, I think that I wouldn't have met Krista and under normal circumstances probably would not have gotten to know her and then start dating her. I think my food choices would all be different and I would complain even more about the food that they serve at the dining hall (Mexican food there... yuck). I think that the friends that I would hang out with would drastically change as well as my habits in my life and just whenever I'm around at Notre Dame. I think I would be fighting for different issues since there are some that Filipinos and Mexicans disagree on. I think that I would have different grades and different academic interests. Maybe I should explore that later when it's not 4 AM and I'm not tired as heck.

An update on The World Ends With You

Just if anyone cares, I'm on the 3rd week, 3rd day of The World Ends With You

Maybe it's not all a lack of motivation...

I don't think I've truly had the time to relax. Like sit down and not do a single damn thing and not have a single care in the world. I really miss the time when I can actually blog freely and not at 4am when I am tired but still surprisingly awake enough to blog. I think I must be crazy to do this but I mean I was working till like 3 finishing up some work.

I think that Krista and I need a vacation. A time when we can really rest and recuperate. She's gone through a lot with me in the past couple of months and I think both of us would have a lot of relaxation if we took a vacation together or just had a few days of doing nothing. Fat chance of that happening unless we both started ditching our classes.

Motivation...

Call it senioritis. Call it pure laziness. Or maybe it's because of everything that's happened in the past two months. I have very, very low motivation to keep doing my best work here at Notre Dame. I mean yeah there are things that I'm excited about like my Capstone class where we're going to create an Autism Job website that could potentially help out a lot of people. But I mean the only motivation I have sometimes is that my dad would want me to finish, and finish the school year off strong. I also have to continue getting at least fairly good grades so I can keep the minimum GPA for my job so that I can support my mom and start planning for the road ahead with Krista.

It's a tough road but many people have gone through it. Perhaps I shouldn't keep a lot of it in. I tend to do that and Krista has pointed it out to me. All I know is that I hurt a lot more than I put on that I do.

Paying for Internships?

I recently read an article, I think it was in the New York Times that had mentioned that it is getting harder and harder for students to get internships in this economically challenging time. It had outlined how the demand has gotten so high for these internships and a lot of them actually were unpaid internships. In fact, many of the very coveted internships in Washington go unpaid.

My first question whether it be out of pure ignorance or me just not understanding, but why would these internships in Washington go unpaid? Why would any internship go unpaid? Fundamentally don't students do legitimate work and gain experience and thus need to be compensated for their time that they put into these internships?

The article in the New York Times goes on to say how internships aren't just a line item in a resume anymore. It's a critical thing to get even the smallest foothold into corporate America and our job system. This I can understand because in the many interviews that I have done with companies, they always seem to look at your job experience first and ask about those items. But this article continued on saying that some parents actually pay companies who do not give any compensation for the internship just to get their daughter or son a chance to have the internship.

This leads me to my second question... How right is it to buy an internship spot for your kid? This issue leads to a lot of different questions that I can attempt to address right now but probably will not get the chance to fully explore.

- Wouldn't purchasing an internship spot for a kid make him/her undeserving of that spot?
- Is it right for a person that is underqualified to gain a position because of money?
- What will this do to our already deep divide between the rich and the poor? The poor always strive to raise themselves and one of the most fundamental ways has been through education. If only rich individuals have the ability to get the coveted internships and therefore get the jobs after college, are we effectively driving the poorer kids down and not giving them a fair opportunity?
- How will the kid feel when he learns that his internship was just bought for him? Doesn't that cancel out any hard work and self worth that the kid might have?

Again there probably is more questions on this issue but these are just some things to think about. I found the article to be very interesting and I'm sorry that I don't have the link to it. But it just made me think because it is very relevant to today.

I went to the career fair with Krista and we found that the companies that were represented at this career fair were pretty few and thin. There was at least 30 less companies there. Probably more to be honest. Another trend among these companies is the fact that their decorations and handouts were a lot worse than in previous career fairs. I think it's a big sign that most companies are retracting and not offering internship opportunities and full time positions. It makes me even more blessed that I have a job right now when a lot of other deserving students from Notre Dame and other universities are still struggling to find one.

I'm just me.

To be honest, I'm just me. You can find me in a lot of different states though.

I'm wonderful but sometimes anger prone.
I'm really nice, yet can be mean.
I'm a hard worker but a procrastinator too.
I can laugh at myself, but I also can laugh at others.
I'm smart, yet stupid at the same time.
I'm particular for details, yet forget the big picture.
I listen well, yet tune out things that are said to me.

The only constant is yourself. To be honest, I'm just me.

Printers

I don't understand how I go to one of the premier universities in the nation and yet their printer network sucks. There are always problems with these printers whether they are down in one location, all locations, make hideous squeaking noises like right now, or are just old and break down. I don't understand why Notre Dame can't make an investment in better quality printers for everyone to use. Sometimes I would really like to see what they budget their money towards and really figure out what can be rearranged.

Can't Sleep

So as you can see by my posts and by the new banner and title, I can't seem to sleep tonight. It's really weird since I have been tired all day and especially the past 4 hours. I don't know, maybe there's something just wrong with me or I have something on my mind. Either way I say blahhhhhhh.