God help me

Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do. (Luke 23:34)

This weekend I went on a Silent Directed Retreat. For the most part it was a pretty good experience. I got much needed rest. I got to get away from my work for at least a little bit. I had better food than the dining hall. But I think that I went in with too many expectations and they weren't met during the retreat. I thought that I would have a direct conversation with God and in fact it didn't happen. Most of the time my mind was actually empty. Devoid of any thought. Utterly blank. It was strange but at the same time very satisfying. I was able to look across St. Joesph's lake and just appreciate the waves on the water.. the occasional duck that floated across the whole lake... even the buoy that floats right in the middle of it all.

If I gained anything from the retreat it is the following things:

- It's going to hurt for awhile. There is no time measure for it and there's not really a cure for it either.
- As the scripture passage I started this blog with says, I need to be more forgiving towards those who do not necessarily help me out. Perhaps people don't know how to console or know the right words. Many don't even want to approach the subject and many times I do want to talk about things. I've got to be able to take these things into consideration and forgive others.
- It's bad to say but there are others in worse situations.
- I need to take care of myself. It has always been about others first before. Now is the time that its absolutely necessary I keep myself afloat first.
- I've changed into a full fledged adult. It's no longer just an arbitrary number that usually defines you as an adult. I have responsibilities that many others don't have and they aren't going to go away. I can't turn back.

Overall I think the experience was fairly good. I was relaxed but almost all of that disappeared once I got back into the swing of things. I haven't had a vacation since December really and it's not likely I will have one per se for quite awhile.